4.07.2006

Thursday Night Blaxploitation

/Bark bark bark
Here in rapper's paradise, the durty south, thursday night has become the new friday night because there are too damn many people living up in here. A dinner date on Friday night means you have the pleasure of waiting at the bar for an hour, hour and a half, while you drink 15 dollar half filled shots and endure layers and layers of vapid one sided cell phone conversations; priss-pots in gauchos, stillettos and flat ironed hair shouting above the din while flipping back strands of hair with fifty thousand dollar french manicures. Anyway, people are FED UP with this congestion scene and so many events are now on thursday nights.

I never want to leave the studio. everytime we go anywhere it ends up involving MONEY i shouldnt spend being spent. "its time to knock off and get ready" said Freya as she leaned around the corner. our friend, the video artist, was having his opening.

"let's don't go. send flowers instead" said moi, ha ha, thats clever, i thought: get credit for caring without actually having to BE there! Freya frowned and looked pitful. I relented.

Derrick came by the studio to pick us up. He and Freya thought it would be fun to get in the props closet and pimp ourselves out........bring some more "color" to the show. No no no no! said I. But Freya was undeterred and I found myself twenty minutes later in bell bottoms, platforms, a big collared satiny shirt, ropes and ropes of chain, and a badly shaped dreadlock wig with purple streaks. "this shit reeks of mothballs" i whined. Nobody cared.

"we need to find a source for fake gold teeth!" said derrick as he slipped on a fake nose ring. "i need a flashier grill." Freya offered to paint one of his teeth but he wisely declined.

"i'm not going anywhere like this" said i, and pulled off the dreadlocks in a flourish of disgust.

Freya howled "No. keep that on! you look like lenny kravitz! Sexy! but you need some pale tinted shades."

"I'd rather go as Hendrix" i said.

"But that's not right for the theme!" she said in that "you-are-an-idiot" tone.

she pulled out some big bug eyed pair, looked like something sophia loren might wear, or a car pool mom, and i made the universal lateral karate chop hand signal of no.and.that.is.final. Freya wore a crocheted number with fur at the collar and some swirly printed scarf tied on her head and i was instantly reminded of the meddling zodiac crazed girlfriend from spinal tap. But she was adorable, and i said nothing.

"what about food" i asked knowing that the gallery would have only cheap chardonnay and some kind off skanked out spread on a dry cracker.

"let's go to the new Whole Foods and eat a bunch of samples and leave" said Derrick the cheap ass scammer. Freya loved that idea for she had heard much about this catherdral of food, supposedly the biggest baddest one in the southeast. We went.

We sampled pineapple mango salsas, flank steak, chick peas and something in a vinigrette, biscottis, strawberries, a terrible terrible mushroom pate thing. cake. blackend shrimp.
This isn't so bad I thought, good opportunity to save a few bucks. all while traipsing around in this ghetto fabulous gear. I was down to (mercifully) the shirt, the chains and my own understated shades. Gone were the platforms, wig and fedora. Still, we pulled a few or more second looks from the lilly whites shopping there. Derrick managed to get into a little tiff with a girl who's t-shirt read "advanced soul" in glitter as i felt a familiar tingle in my back pocket.

I looked around and my eyes found freya. i gasped in horror as i realized she was standing before a display of dr houscka beauty products. I looked at her cart (she got a cart!!!????) which was already holding an african shopping basket and some expensive looking cut flowers. meaning, not carnations. Derrick materialized before me, having now driven away any female within a 5 mile radius, he was ready to go. I saw his mouth moving but all i could hear was ch-ching ch-ching ch-ching as i watched freya pick up one bottle after another. good, she just put one back.

81 dollars and 17 cents later we left with NO FOOD and headed south on the main drag of this town to the gallery disctrict. We arrived and struggled to park. I dont know why i would be annoyed it is always this way but i seem to react with anger over the parking situation every time as if it was new.

the theme of the show was "blaxploitation and urban stereotypes" but the show itself was called "HuggyBear". The work consisted of loops and scenes from classics such as "shaft" "foxy brown" "coffee" "blacula" "carwash" "cleopatra jones" "superfly" "mandingo" and others. The scenes were doctored up with overlays of al jolson type stuff, amos and andy and characters from gone with the wind. The woka-woka-woka guitar licks from "shaft" played over and over, sometimes distorted and other times blended in with some funny famous lines like "im gonna get you sucka!" from the featured movies.

"How the hell does he make money with this shit" Derrick asked. I shrugged.

The gallery was set up like a living room/flop house/crack den kinda thing with plastic guns laying on coffee tables, and black light posters of naked african princesses and bad-ass soul sistas. (remember in the movie "the shining" the posters the scatman cruthers character had on his walls? same thing: submissive, willing chocolate yummies with afros the size of playballs.)

The video loops were played on the screens of old seventies era televisions with drink rings and filled and filthy ashtrays on the surface. No detail was forgotten, except for the appearance of somebody's Medea-like mama shrieking "get a job!!!!"

It was a good show. Lots of other patrons were garbed out in pimpwear and freya gave me that smart aleck look of "see?"
Derrick ended up wanting to stay, so Freya and I headed home in a cab. We played a word game: how many men's names are euphenisms for "penis"? we came up with shaft (of course after the show), Rod, Dick, Lance, and Peter.

She went to do the bubble bath thing. (this girl should have red raw skin from all the bathing she does) I looked at all the crap she bought at whole foods and looked at the debit print out. Yep. she charged it to me. Blaxploitaion indeed! reminds me of another movie: apocalypse now, but ive modified the famous line to suit my sad situation: "Never leave the studio. Never leave the studio. hahahahaha. Never leave the studio."

/grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

24 Comments:

Blogger Mr Q said...

I got high from reading this K9. I woke up suddenly and the Beatles were playing Lucy in the Sky.., could not find the bong (Figured Speech). And if is not whole foods is the LV or the GUGU or the BEBE or some other crap, that wraps around or hangs out of somewhere in the body. At least y'all be eating organic flowers. The only WF around here is near that place you mentioned on your Fur Blown...
The studio will always love you back without expense, instead it contributes!
PS; I went by the sty earlier and left some NatuPro for HP.

11:19 AM  
Blogger mad malva blue said...

lol. you make me laugh k9. never leave the studio? lol

2:36 PM  
Blogger Ben said...

Fun read.

Definitely know where you're coming from regarding I-do-not-want-to-go and it's-all-fun-but-do-I-really-need it?

I am attributing it to getting older and pickier. But sometimes I get pleasantly surprised by havin' a really good time when I go out anyway.

The shopping bit? Yeah, they love those little shopping cart surprises and somehow we love them because they do.

3:30 PM  
Blogger Aunty Belle said...

....huh?

5:19 PM  
Blogger Bird said...

hahahaha! this is a delightful read. i love freya - she knows her stuff, doesn't she? i am most appreciative of how she charged the whole earth stuff to you, K9 - hee hee hee.

bell bottoms and platforms? wow! and i'm running to the video store tonight to get shaft. haven't watched that in , er, well, decades. (but wasn't a remake done in the last ...hmmm..ten years or something?)

by the way - in 1975 i had a poster of Hendrix on the wall of my aparment with a caption that read: DISCO SUCKS!

can't wait to hear about the next time you leave the studio. you know it will happen. oh, the horror!

flap/flap/swoosh!

5:31 PM  
Blogger infinitesimal said...

1) Willy
2) John Thomas
3) Rod

Thanks for the slice of life.

8:32 PM  
Blogger infinitesimal said...

DRAT!!
You got "Rod" already...

8:33 PM  
Blogger K9 said...

/bark bark bark

willy! that's good vanille. we started to go with "johnson" too but then if you use last names it gets out of hand......

richard roundtree is bad to the bone boyed! did you know the late great gordon parks directed that film?

Who's the black private dick
That's a sex machine to all the chicks?
SHAFT!
Ya damn right!

Who is the man that would risk his neck
For his brother man?
SHAFT!
Can you dig it?

Who's the cat that won't cop out
When there's danger all about?
SHAFT!
Right On!

They say this cat Shaft is a bad mother
SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
I'm talkin' 'bout Shaft.
THEN WE CAN DIG IT!

He's a complicated man
But no one understands him but his woman
JOHN SHAFT!

(woka woka woka woka)

boyed, i have some rare hendrix live in NYC 1969 MP3's if yer interested......

hey violeteye! thanks for stopping by.

ben you are right. all the cart can hold and more!

belle, i bet you saw all these movies didnt you? in your secret movie theatre under great great grandaddy aliwishuses crypt!

Q i took your car keys until you clear up. that damn BEBE! you got that right ...the dangly thangs and little tight jeans.

9:27 PM  
Blogger Aunty Belle said...

NAw, Dawg, Aunty ain't found the key to the crypt....so, here's the thang: hold a retro film night at the Studio!! Yea! then, pup, youse doan hafta leave and Aunty Belle can get caught up on this dawg culture. zbut private like--cause...well, jes' cause

(Youse KNOW I ain't seen no shaft movie! Tell me straight--ain''t it agin' my turtleneck standards?)

7:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

woofie woofie woof

http://hankthedog.blogspot.com/

grrr woo(f)

hmmn

12:36 PM  
Blogger infinitesimal said...

What you gonna do about the sitemeter thing puppy?

What do you think?

10:04 AM  
Blogger fatty ~ said...

sounds like garfield and his never leave the cul-de-sac mantra =P

12:55 AM  
Blogger K9 said...

/bark bark bark

vanille,

i'm not going to do anything about the site meter. i was making a dig on wiretapping and data mining. as i wrote to bogs, the SPARRINGk9 wants to know how is this different "in principle" than the big daddy. just noticing thats all. i didnt think he was a "dick" just making a wee little observation of how the same things are perceived differently when executed by different players. i did the cloaking as an experiment not cause i was worried. all anyones going to find on my computer is images of coughed up squirrels.

Yes i read your bitch blog. i know its true. even the aunty has written about little spy units that are the size of bees and can fly around looking at stuff.....

fatty: good to see ya again. hows the search for my sweet and frothies coming?

hank the dog: i love ya, man.

/grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

5:58 AM  
Blogger infinitesimal said...

Nobody called Bogs a dick, but one blogger shut down and was really offended.

There is some resentment that sitemeter is an option.

BTW, isn't it: Blaxploitation?

I posted something halfway interesting just now....

7:26 AM  
Blogger Pete Bogs said...

my ears are burning... damn childhood innoculations!!!

this party sounds way-cool to me... not much of a party guy, but I do step out once in a while... I am an unapologetic lover of the 70s... I could do a blog on it someday, and may just... not everything, like the polyester for example...

you forgot "yapping on cell phones" in that list of things people do when out on the town, creating a din...

you'd better watch the grillz - I heard DHS has declared them unpatriotic and treasonous...

I gotta say, I do like the blaxploitation genre... partly because of the era (as above) and all the platform shoes and Plymouth Fury cop cars that go with it... I imagine seeing all those cracker sheriffs getting beat down by brothers must have been cathartic to people who had been knocked down by hoses, german shepherds and cops with batons to see that onscreen... hell, I watch and cheer them on as they dispatch evil white cops, drug lords and the like...

good stuff...

oh, and as far as the Site Meter issue, it seems some people really got out of sorts... I just happened to visit Mad Malva's site last night, and found not one but TWO posts about me, that I was unaware of... one on the SM and the other on the seal hunts... she was indeed Mad...

3:36 PM  
Blogger Pete Bogs said...

PS: about the Site Meter...

They bled my momma, they bled my papa, but they ain't gonna bleed me!

3:52 PM  
Blogger K9 said...

/bark bark bark

bogs youre smoking me on the ebonics and street speak. vanille too. when i started this blog i was determined to use the king's english

" i cannot do the tag"

i need to return to those days.

i did rag on the cell phones, and i agree with you. it is a major irritant to me.

as far as the lovely violet eye goes, i hope we see her again soon.

/grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

6:18 PM  
Blogger Pete Bogs said...

what, me? just quoting a little Sweet Sweetback is all...

I must have missed the cell phones amidst the organic veggies and bling bling...

8:15 PM  
Blogger Reverend X said...

K9,
Wait... you are black? No way! No brother woulda missed the "Welcome to the Terrordome!" Chuck D. (of P
E) line months back.... but hey. It takes a nation of millions to hold us back. Wanna hear the track you're layin/ Sayin/ Playin/ till the Day in which we all Rise up! forget our petty policies/ set n size up the BS and the ironies./ Send me me an mp, don't forget to add the 3/ put it to video, we'll watch the new catastrophe/ The Cross we all bare

Rise

2:12 AM  
Blogger K9 said...

/bark bark bark

busted! i cannot keep up this charade for another moment! i am actually edgar winter.
rev, of course i am black. i am a rottweiler for God's sake! the terrordome? not right for the "theme".

/howl

6:16 AM  
Blogger Mr Q said...

K9, ha, ha, ha. You know.

6:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ja! mister Q ik denk u kent de waarheid van deze hond for many time now. -freya

6:51 AM  
Blogger Mr Q said...

Freya!!! Goed om u opnieuw te zien!
Who wouldn't?
Wij allen zijn op manier, soms. Dat is wat het Kanaal van de Ontdekking zei.

11:46 AM  
Blogger Bird said...

K9,
ask freya to come visit.
Bird

10:02 PM  

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