12.06.2007

i will never bake cookies again

I wanted to make a batch of cookies for
anonymous boxer's blog party. i chose a recipe i found on the sick twisted site known as "all recipes.com" and found "the best sugar cookies ever" with 40, yes 40 rave reviews. i made the dough and selected 2 cookie cutters in the shapes of a chicken and scottie dog, cause, let's face it, nothing says "christmas" like chickens and scotty dogs.

i made the dough and was worried...4 eggs? its going to be "cakey" not "chewy" but i was committed and trusted in the 40 rave reviews. it said the dough would need to chill for an hour. i put it in the fridge to chill good-n-hard overnight, and went to bed.

i never really slept. i had a horrible headache and wasnt sure if it was the newly installed bionic neckpiece or a sugar hangover from all the raw dough i ate. at 5:15, i gave up and got up, dialed 400 on the oven and got the dough out, head still banging.

the dough was a sticky hideous mess. no amount of flour on the rolling surface or other gimmicks such as rolling between waxed paper or parchment changed the outcome: i couldnt get a cookie cut without prying the dough out of the cutter. and i could only cut one or two before the dough had to go back into the fridge. in 20 minutes i had four cookies worthy of going to the oven. i watched in horror as the chicken shapes spread first into fat turkeys, and then into a blob resembling a teapot with a gopher head sticking out of the top.

the cookies had an ugly mottled surface; crackly and not too appetizing. on the scotties it made sense: just like a real scotty with eczema and a thousand dollar a year prednisone bill. all that was missing from the chicken cookies was salmonella. i frosted the chick with the appropriate surface decoration.



for my effort i had exactly this many cookies..what you see on this plate...before i threw the dough into the trash. i took a painkiller. then came the kitchen clean-up; a collosal chore thanks to the mortar like dryed dough that found its way onto every surface in the kitchen as well as the carpet thanks to trout, who had snuck some dough out of the trash and had gotten all lovey-dovey with it.

but there's always a way to salvage a failed effort. instead of taking cookies to anonymous boxers party, i will offer as my gift new vanilla flavored driveways for everybody!!

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19 Comments:

Blogger ThursdayNext said...

Poochie,
You didnt use the recipe I gave you? :(

6:17 PM  
Blogger iamnot said...

Bummer.
Well, at least you made decent art out of them.

6:27 PM  
Blogger Aunty Belle said...

'bout wet mah britches She-Pup--hilarious !!!

6:54 PM  
Blogger Anonymous Boxer said...

and this is EXACTLY why I don't/can't bake either.

May I say, though, the cookies that did turn out?

Are pretty.

and you're funny.

6:55 PM  
Blogger Anonymous Boxer said...

P.S. Thanks for trying! :-)

6:57 PM  
Blogger /t. said...

HA HAH HA HAH HA AHAHA AH AHAHH AHA HAH AH HAH AHA HAHA HAHAHAH AH HAH AHA AH AH AHAH AHH A HA HAHAHAH A HAHA HAH AH AH AHAH A HAH AH AH AH AH AHA HAHA HAH AHAHAHAHAHA HAHA HA AHA HAH AH AHHAH A HA HA!

8:20 PM  
Blogger /t. said...

HA HAH AHA HAH AHA H AHH AH AH A HA AH AH AH AH A HA HAHAH AH A HHA HAH A HAH A HA A HAHAH AHA HAHA HAH A HA HAH AH AHA HAH AHA HAHH AA AH A HAH AHA HAH HAH AH AHA HAHHAH AH AHAHA HAH HAHAH AHA HAHA HA HAH AH H AH AH AHAH AHA HAHAH HAHA HAH AH A HAH AHAH A HAHA HA HAHAHAHAH AHHA HA HAH AHA HA HAHAH AHAH AH HA HA!

¤ ¤ ¤

/t.

8:21 PM  
Blogger SJ said...

I agree with /t :)

3:49 AM  
Blogger she said...

lady jane: no remember i wrote you on your food blog why...i wanted shapes. but now time has healed my bitter heart and i may try again...with your recipe/ but i shouldve just made them as you told me. *bangs head on table many times*

iamnot: you are too kind, suh. im thinking of shelacking them and using them as weapons for *whatever*

aunty! you know what i did next? i took the scotty dog cookie cutter and had a bakery cut the damn things. cheated! grrherherhahaha will photograph the imposter batch later.

5:23 AM  
Blogger she said...

anonymous boxer: thanks. well i tried. i wanted vanilla coated chicks with chocolate detail work. but first, a SURFACE is required!!! i will bring just the decorations now. (look for an email later and new post)

/t! grrrrrrrrrrrrherherherherherherherherhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! er, yeah! its funny NOW.

/t: grrrrrrrrherherhehrherherhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahaha!

sj!!!! great to see you out and about again! yay!!

5:27 AM  
Blogger ArtfulSub said...

I'm actually LOL not just typing it. As the World's Greatest Chef, I offer one word of advice to people uncomfortable with making desserts. A word of Advice that the winner of last Night's "TOP CHEF" Holiday Challenge heeded.

Make PUDDING, puddin. Everybody loves them some pudding! And, the CORE of the dish is nearly foolproof.

7:14 AM  
Blogger moi said...

Dahlink, I so, so feel your pain. In between gales of laughter, that is. But I must agree, what you did end up salvaging looks awesome.

If you don't mind, I'd like to link to this post on Moi's Baking Blob.

And Artful, I must disagree on the legendary ease of pudding making. I whipped up something last year from Bon Appetit that ended up tasting like sweaty gym socks. Then again, sometimes I just have a 'tard day.

7:53 AM  
Blogger Ruela said...

cool cookies ;)

8:04 AM  
Blogger Aunty Belle said...

Hee hee..all ya'll is funnnnnyyy!!

Smart Pup--yep, let the experts do it--they need to make a buck anyhow. But--hey, show us the finals --what ya took to the cookie-meet.

Artful, on pudding fer all mah puddin's ---I'se the undisputed QUEEN OF ENGLISH TRIFLE!! So much so , that folks jes' saunter up on the Porch on Christmas Day lookin' fer a spoonful.

I wanna try THursdayNext's recipe--whar' is it?

Why doan we all have a cookie blog day--upload photos of what ya made--NO CHEATING Pup! ya could host the First Annual She Cookie Blog Bake Off!!

9:21 AM  
Blogger foam said...

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!

i love baking. but i hate making cookies. i only make them once a year.... for christmas ... and for santa.

your cookies are brilliant. i love them. you are such an inspiration. now i know how i'll decorate my christmas cookies. i have a fish cookie cutter, a bison cookie cutter, a camel plus the other usual stars and hearts, etc.

3:23 PM  
Blogger puerileuwaite said...

I appreciate the concrete driveway offer, but I'm more of an open fields / Mrs. Fields kinda Pug.

6:36 AM  
Blogger Mayden' s Voyage said...

LOL!
You are just too funny :) Sorry I missed the party! I hope to start baking this weekend...I'm off to a very late start this season, and with the weather turning warm again (78! here today- blah!), I hate to turn on the oven.
It's also too warm to mail stuff out (perishable)...
Gawd- I hate it when the weather makes Al Gore seem anything more than a dolt!
;)

1:06 PM  
Blogger Kiki said...

I'm sorry that those 40 evil people lied to you. But I really love the way you decorated the cookies! I gotta tell ya - chickens and scotty dogs really are the signs of the season!

4:35 PM  
Blogger Infinitesimal said...

Wow you have been blogging up a storm!
I've missed you.

By the way, my driveway is uneven....

400 degrees seems too high, should have been 350 or maybe 325?

1:19 PM  

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